Initially, my plan was to post our “meet cute” and tell the story of us in honor of what would have been our 6th wedding anniversary, but it just didn’t feel right for me right now so instead, I went back to the drafts and I found this which I feel like is the love letter that I have been writing to him every day since he’s been gone, and that is me carrying on. So to set the scene: I wrote this back in January right at the four week mark and I was back living alone, hadn’t been diagnosed with depression yet and ultimately I would have these conversations with myself in the early morning hours. As I was editing it today I realized it would be hard to distinguish what I was saying versus what I was thinking so I used regular versus italics for that and then added in some other things to help paint the picture. Hopefully as you read it, you’ll kind of understand what I was doing so here goes nothing!
What time is it? Where is Coleman? Oh. Wait. He is gone. Its 2:35 AM? Ok so I slept for 3 hours. That is good! I need to get more sleep. What if he isn’t really gone? No he is. But what if he isn’t? No. He is. He really is. But what if he just fell asleep on the couch? Oh. Alexa, turn on lamps. No. Couch is empty. So he really is gone. 2:37 AM. What am I supposed to do? How am I ever going to move on? You won’t. You’ll never move on… you’ll just get better at faking it. Oh! Will I be happy again? I don’t know. You might be. You might not. Oh. Ok. 2:43 wait so he really is gone. Like gone gone. Yes. Gone gone. Go back to sleep.
3:38 AM I can’t sleep. I can’t breathe. The room feels like it is closing in. Ok then go outside.
3:41 AM The stars are where I feel closest to him. I like to believe he is watching over me like I’m watching the sky. I think that star just winked. Can stars wink? What if that was Coleman? No. That sounds dumb… but also oddly comforting. I think I want to believe the star winked because it was Coleman saying hi. Yes. That is what I need to believe. So Hi Coleman.
3:59 AM *Lucy is snoring in my ear* I wonder if she knows he is gone. She has to know. Like dogs just know. Does she remember him? Does she still think he is coming home? Does she cry? Does she cry when I cry? Does she feel my pain? Shit. I don’t want her to feel my pain. I don’t want to feel my pain.
4:13 AM I guess I’m up for the day. Am I going to go to work? You should try. Ok. Should I work out? You should try. Ok. Should I pack up and move somewhere that no one knows me? No. Oh ok. So I do have some reasoning left in my brain. But what if I did? What if I packed up the car, the dogs and just left everything and everyone behind? I could start over. I could be someone. Anyone. Just not me. You could but you can’t. I want to. I know, but you can’t. This isn’t for forever but this is for now. I feel like I’m stuck. You are. But that’s ok. Oh. Ok.
4:53 AM I worked out! That is great. Now go shower. Alexa, play music that will make me forget how sad I am. Sure, *Alexa begins playing My Maria by Brooks & Dunn.* WHAT? No. ALEXA, PLAY MUSIC THAT WILL MAKE ME FORGET HOW SAD I AM *resumes playing My Maria.* What the f*ck? Fine.
5:11 Am I gonna go to work today? You should try. Ok. *start blow drying my hair* 5:17 Am I gonna go to work today? You should try *start curling my hair* 5:33. Am I gonna go to work today? You should try *start my make up* 5:43 Am I gonna go to work today because now is the time to decide because once I put this mascara on, I cannot have any breakdowns. You should try but also if you need to have a breakdown, you have make up remover for a reason. *put on my mascara*
6:04 I really don’t know if I can go to work today. You should try. 6:11 Okay I think I can go to work today. Good. 6:27 *packing up my lunch* I don’t know if I can do this today. You should try. 6:34 *letting the dogs out the potty one last time* I don’t know… I don’t think I can do it. Just put one foot in front of the other… just try. OK. 6:47 *tell the dogs goodbye and that I love them… and waiting for a millisecond to hear if somebody would say I love you more. They don’t. And he doesn’t. He won’t ever again. Because he’s gone*. 6:53 *sitting in my car and haven’t turned it on yet* I don’t know if I can do this. You should try. OK. 7:01 *start driving down the street* I really don’t know if I can do this today. Well you’ve already come this far so just try. Keep driving until you can’t drive anymore. Ok.
I wonder if I’ll get the cause of death today. I wonder how he died. I wonder how long he was gone before I realize something was wrong. I wonder was he scared. I wonder did he know it was happening. I wonder if he felt the immediate presence of his father encouraging him. Did he say any final words to me that I’ll never hear but will live in the walls of our home for the rest of this houses existence? It is like they are written in invisible ink. There but not there. I like to think he did. Final words I mean. I like to think that he told the dogs “Take care of mommy and tell her I love her. Tell her I’m always gonna be here watching out for y’all. She’s gonna need y’all because you’re all she’s gonna have. And just know that I’m watching out for y’all and I’m taking care of you and I’m protecting you.” Shit my mascara. It’s ok. Cry.
7:31 Shit… when is the last time I ate something. Did I eat dinner last night? No. Did I have lunch yesterday? Damn. I don’t think I did. I need to get breakfast. 7:41 Hi, Picking up a mobile order for Brittany!
7:53 the reality that I am choosing to believe is this: I think he is at peace. He knew who he married and that I was stubborn and strong willed and that I would do anything I had to do to take care of our family, but he also knew me better than anyone, like I knew him better than anyone. He knew it wouldn’t be long before I realize something was wrong and he knew I would come running. He knew the woman he married. He knew I would move heaven to earth to get to him. It didn’t matter the states and miles between us but he knew I would come running and there is nothing in the world that would stop me from getting to him, getting to our dogs, saving our home, fighting for my future, and chasing my dreams so I have to believe that in his final moments he was at peace because he knew I would be okay.
8:04 *parking in my spot at school* OK, I can do this. I know.
Love, Brittany
I have no words…just pure admiration for you, sweet girl.
Love you friend!! Thank you for being brave enough to share.