I’ve struggled with this idea over the last few months: that time is moving on, new chapters in my life are starting, and I’m getting older… and Coleman will never be a part of any of it. That sounds like “well, duh,” but it has been the weirdest feeling and truthfully tough to accept at times.
So here is a little peek into my brain: On the one hand, I feel strong and independent and proud of myself, and then, on the other hand, I feel like I’m still that girl on December 11, sitting on the phone with the police officer and hoping for good news and honestly there are days where I wish I could freeze time and stay in that place. Stay where I’m at Disney World, having the time of my life with a husband who is safe at home. But then there are other times when I am so damn proud of myself and how far I have come, and I know that I wouldn’t be the woman I am today if I hadn’t gone through what I did, and because of that, I am a better daughter, sister, Aunt, friend, teacher, and eventually a wife and mother.
So, as new chapters go on, I have a few.
This summer was my first summer being single (yeah, I’m still getting used to that, but calling myself a widow is just too damn depressing). But for the first time in almost ten years, I did my own thing all summer and had a blast. Don’t get me wrong, I had low days, but overall, I was saying yes instead of no and living life. I bought myself flowers and took myself on dates; I hung out at bars and the pool, danced, hung with friends and made new ones, shopped, went on trips, and truthfully did whatever I wanted. It was glorious. It’s not sustainable for long, but for eight weeks, it is.
Another new chapter I am starting is that this will be my last year in the classroom (if I graduate on time). That has been a surreal feeling because, on the one hand, I know I’m a fantastic teacher, and I don’t want to leave something I am good at, but I also know that I will be a great counselor someday, and just because I’m scared of failure isn’t a reason not to try.
And finally, to address the elephant in the room and what’s been kicking my ass for the last month- getting older. In therapy, Lisa and I have had many conversations about my desire not to celebrate my upcoming birthday because of several reasons. One is that it doesn’t feel right to celebrate getting older when Coleman will never be able to. On that same train of thought, I don’t want to be an age that Coleman never saw, which I know sounds silly, but for me, it’s such a big thing because it’s even more of a confirmation that I’m leaving him behind. Another is as I get older, my chances of having biological children are dwindling. At my OBGYN appointment this summer, we had a tough conversation, and she told me “the age” that would be my cutoff age to be able to carry my children safely. I don’t think I have cried so hard in a while because the number she gave me is much closer than I thought it would be. I mean, I still have time, but damn that was a tough pill to swallow.
So, as I embrace the new chapters in my life, I’m also painfully aware of everything I lost. I’m just trying to balance looking forward to the future and remembering the past. I have more good days than bad and for that I’m thankful so if you see me on a good day, be happy for me and if you see me on a bad day, give me a hug.
Love, Brittany
Oh Brittany! What growth we have seen! I’m so proud and very happy for you. The seasons of life-it makes us look within and find strength we did not know we had…and we see a fragile girl as well but we know more and have confidence deep within. I’ll pray for your school year, your journey to become a counselor and God’s plan for you! Love you!