To Live For the Hope of it All

Six months ago today Coleman passed away and I was forced into a world of pain that many people my age will never understand. Its hard to put into words what it feels like to exist in a world that he is no longer a part of, but I’ve also learned more about myself and more about what it means to love someone than I ever did when he was alive. Below are six things I’ve learned over the last six months that I wish I knew before:

1. People will love bomb the hell out of you in the first few weeks after the passing but then they will slowly return back to their lives. It isn’t anyones fault… its just life. People have their own shit going on and it doesn’t compare to what you’re going through, but it isn’t fair to ask people to walk down this path with you. I know it’s easy to be angry at them because they “should” be doing this or that, but you don’t have any energy or mental headspace to waste so instead of being hurt by people leaving you just acknowledge the people who have stayed and appreciate them for it.

2. Much like weddings anything involving death is expensive as hell. If you’ve ever planned a wedding, you know that nothing is $100. It’s $1000. Nothing is discounted or cheap and with death, even if you find a cheaper option you will talk yourself out of it because of the guilt that “they” deserve XY and Z. While it takes serious money to have a wedding and marry someone it unfortunately takes some serious money to bury someone. I ended up taking a loan out from my parents to cover all the death related expenses and I had the Go Fund Me that helped me pay my bills, but at the end of the day it was a whole new level of stress and pain.

3. Everyone should be in therapy, but especially someone who is experiencing grief. I truly do not know where I would be without Lisa and she is quick to say I am the one doing the work which is true but having her help guide me through the last 6 months has been the best thing I could have ever done for myself. I remember early on I told her that I wanted to come out of this being the healthiest version of myself I could be mentally and emotionally so I have put in the hard work the last 6 months to get to a place of healing and acceptance. Navigating the stages of grief is exhausting, but future me deserves this so I’m doing it for her.

4. Not only does future me deserve to be in a healthy place mentally and emotionally, but so does my next relationship and my future children. Every single decision that I have made over the last six months has been for the sole purpose of making sure that I am taking care of myself so I can be the best version of myself in the future. I have said from day one that I know I will fall in love again and will have a family one day. It won’t be how I thought it would be with Coleman, but my future spouse and children deserve for me to handle this shit now so that I can give them a healthy and happy version of myself in the future.

5. I don’t care if you think that you’re not going to need it, everyone should have a will. Literally. The amount of hoops I have had to jump through (and money I’ve had to spend) to be able to make decisions on behalf of my deceased husband is mind numbing. I am not going to get in the legal stuff right now because it pisses me off, but it took 6 months (literally I was just declared executor of the estate on Friday) and a stupid amount of money that I will never see again to be able to legally handle Coleman’s assets and make decisions for him. So trust me when I say to get a will.

6. Finally, I know it will feel like you will never smile or laugh again, but I promise you will. Your smile might be missing a little bit of the glimmer it used to have, but that is only because you have lost someone you love. One of the hardest decisions you can make is to wake up each day and choose life. It would have been much easier to crawl into a cave and spend the rest of my days watching everyone live their life, but you deserve to be happy. It will feel weird and like you “shouldn’t,” but you are still worthy of living a beautiful life, so never forget that.

Oh and P.S. #7, start a blog! 🙂

Love, Brittany