I am the person who always goes out of my way for the people in my life to make sure they feel special and noticed. If you mention your favorite candy is Reese’s, then next time I’m at the store, I will get you one. You say that you like blueberry donuts. Next time, I’ll grab you one. That’s just who I am. I have a note on my phone of people’s favorite things so that if I ever feel like they need encouragement, love, or support, I can do something small so they know I was thinking of them. Honestly, that is how you know you’re one of “my” people – you are on the note. 😂

After Coleman’s death, I decided to put other people before myself for a few days and make sure that they felt noticed and that I was thinking of them. It wasn’t easy, but it was something that I knew I needed to do before I could take care of myself. So, during Christmas break, I handled three things that were very important to me. First, I found someone who makes memory bears out of people’s clothing, so I had memory bears made from Coleman’s favorite shirts for me, my parents, my mother-in-law, and then for my niece and my nephew. Another thing that I did was I took all the funeral flowers, pressed them, and created custom flower collages for each of the grandmothers, mothers, and siblings on both sides. Not only that, but I picked ones that either were that person’s favorite color or that person’s favorite flower. For the guys, I tried to pick manly-looking flowers. Before closing the book on “Brittany Doing Things for Other People,” I worked with a fantastic artist who created custom thank you cards. It was two weeks of going back and forth with the artist, fine-tuning every tiny detail until they were perfect. Creating custom thank you cards was important to me because the people who gave money to my GoFundMe didn’t necessarily have it, especially right before Christmas. Still, they did it anyway, so the thank you cards were my way of showing these people how much I appreciated them, and I wanted them to know that I saw what they did and it did not go unnoticed. 

Which brings me to my most controversial blog post to date. 

I know people handle grief in their own way, and some people will keep every possession the person ever owned. In my experience, all that does is make me anxious, stressed, and overwhelmed because I do not like clutter in general. I keep my house tidy and organized, so deciding to let go of some of Coleman’s items was not a decision I took lightly. Any time I have given something away, I have taken time with it, really considered what was important to me to keep, and when I was ready, would offer the items to family and friends or sell it.

I have this weird ability to make rooms feel aesthetically pleasing and comforting. For example, my classroom is soothing and inviting every year and makes you feel at home. If you don’t believe me, look at my Instagram pictures. It’s a masterpiece. The first time Coleman ever went into my classroom, He immediately said, “I feel like I can create something in here,” which is what I want my students to feel. So when the house was OUR home, I combined our personalities so we would both feel at home. But it’s not our home anymore… It’s my home. Coleman will always be a part of this place; his handwriting is on the foundation, but he isn’t here anymore, and I have to find a way to feel safe and happy in my home again.

When I stopped wearing my wedding ring, it was a surreal experience. On the one hand, I felt like I SHOULD wear it because I was supposed to and people expected me to, and on the other hand, it was something that caused me pain daily to have to put on. It was like I would feel okay, and then I put it on and just felt this heaviness on my chest. It didn’t mean what it used to, but I was scared of what people would think or say if I wasn’t wearing it so I forced myself to wear it. I remember my conversation with myself as if it were yesterday. It was March 3. I had his cause of death for about two weeks at that point, and I was in a very different headspace than I had been for a while. I mentioned before that receiving his cause of death, while it was hard to read the autopsy report and to understand what happened in his final moments, brought me an indescribable feeling of peace.

So, back to the rings. And I know how this will sound, but the minute I put the rings in the safe, I felt a weight lifted. It was like this dark cloud hovering over me was gone, and I could breathe. I went to James Avery that day and tried to find something to wear for the time being during this stage in my life because it felt weird not to have anything on my ring finger. I saw a small ring with little angel wings, and I immediately smiled because I knew that’s what I needed. I didn’t cry. I wasn’t sad. It just felt right. It was a way to honor the angel now watching over me while protecting my peace. 

My therapist (Hi, Lisa) said I have two choices: I either stay a 33-year-old depressed widow or do the hard work, move forward, and build a life for myself. So that’s what I’m doing. Lisa said I seem lighter and more myself, and last week, she told me she was proud of me. One of my principals told me seeing me smile again made his day. My friends have commented that they can see the light in my eyes. Moving forward after loss takes courage and strength that many people think they don’t possess, but you would be surprised how strong you are when it’s your only choice. I am sure that people from the outside looking in judge me for how “quickly” I am processing things or how “quickly” I am making decisions. Still, I would ask them to consider the fact that they weren’t there with me at 2 am when I was screaming on the bathroom floor or when I would have debilitating panic attacks that took the air from my lungs. All through this process, I have just tried taking one step forward, no matter how many steps back I took that day. On the bad days, My mom reminds me that only one person died that day. On the good days, I remind myself it is okay to laugh and smile because Coleman would want that. 

So that’s where we are at. I’m laughing again. I’m going out to lunch with friends, looking people in the eyes and asking them how they are doing. I’m making plans and taking trips because I’m still here, and I’m still alive. At the end of the day, if nothing else, Coleman would’ve wanted me to keep living and moving forward. I’m taking care of myself, which is something that, for a while, I didn’t do because I was so busy taking care of Coleman. But I’m working out and focusing on losing weight and getting healthy. I’m spending time in the sunshine and making changes in my life that will bring me closer to my next chapter. I still have bad days, I still cry, and I still wish I could go back and change everything so that he was still here. Still, I can’t, so instead of living in a place where I’m miserable for the rest of my life, I’m choosing light and love and happiness because that’s what he would want me to do and honestly because I’m too damn young not to.

Love, Brittany