You’re On You’re Own, Kid

So, within the stages of grief, you have denial, bargaining, depression, acceptance, and anger. Now, early on, I had bouts of rage because I was mad this happened to me. Still, in general, anger has not been an emotion I have stayed with for long, mainly because I am not angry (unless I am driving across Lake Ray Hubbard during rush hour), so I typically move past it pretty quickly… well, up until last Sunday.

So, to set the scene, because we had an “early spring,” my grass started becoming un-dormant… is that even a word? I don’t know. It was turning green again and growing. So, my dad took over the yard work responsibilities. He wouldn’t let me help the first few times, but gradually, he would give me small things to do. It wasn’t that he thought I couldn’t do it – he was trying to do something nice for me, but he also lives 40 minutes away from me, so I felt guilty that he was driving all that way to mow my grass. So when I woke up on Sunday morning and noticed with the recent rain that my grass was getting a little out of control (and my HOA is crazy), I decided that I am the conquer of my destiny; I am the woman of the house, and I am going to mow, and weed eat the yard.

Now, when Coleman was alive, we typically would split this, so I was never entirely on my own, but then also, if I’m being honest, we would pay someone half the time. So I am feeling powerful (Insert finger guns, flexing, Ken and his Mojo Dojo Casa House vibes, etc.), so I got ready, which meant I put my Crocs in sport mode – don’t come for me with the Crocs. I know I hate that I love them as much as you probably do – and I got my playlist going. I felt that this momentous occasion deserved a special playlist so I skipped past my usual ones and decided on the “Bad Bitch Energy”. I kid you not; that is the name of the playlist. Look it up on Spotify. So I make my way outside, and I feel very confident. This is my hill, and I’m about to dominate it. But it is also important to note we do live on a baby hill, so the yard is not flat.

So, I started mowing. I’m doing okay, but the yard is not looking too great. I was going for the diagonal look that I always saw my dad do growing up, but it was not working, so I switched midway to just regular back-and-forth, and I am feeling more and more confident. It won’t win any awards, but it looks better than it did.

Another part of the story that is important to note is that I made the worst mistake one can make when purchasing lawn care equipment, and that is that I bought electric instead of gas products. Yes, fellow millennials. If you didn’t know – which I’m now very much aware of thanks to my parents- buying electric lawn equipment is the dumbest thing ever. I kid you not; I have had this conversation with BOTH of my parents twice, and they weren’t even together. The sequence of their answers went, “Why did you buy electric… That is stupid… Waste of money… Should’ve bought gas.” So because I bought an electric mower, the battery can only handle so much before it dies (and before you tell me to buy another battery, those suckers are $130, and the mower itself was like $225, so absolutely not). So I take the battery out, stick it on the charger, and start weed-eating.

Now, it is important to note two things: One is that I LOVE crisp edges in a yard. I will comment on people’s yards and say they have nice, crisp edges. I will watch TikToks of people mowing to see the edges. The other important thing is that the weed eater and I have issues. It’s like serious beef. The last time my dad was over, he had to fix it three times before I could finish – and no, it is not a user error. So I started weed eating, and I am starting strong and the edges are looking beautiful, and I am feeling unstoppable. So I am doing that thing where you tap the top of the weed eater to get the string out, and everything is going beautifully. I am doing a little tap tap here and a tap tap there; the edges look fantastic, and then I notice the string doesn’t come out like it was. So, assuming I am the problem, I figure I am not hitting it hard enough, so I start hitting it harder and harder on the ground, and nothing happens. I did this for a few minutes until I figured the string must be jammed.

So, at this point, I paused my playlist because I wasn’t feeling like a bad bitch, and I pulled up YouTube to figure out how to get the top off, but also being careful because I didn’t want to break a nail. So I am doing everything the guy in the video is saying, but nothing is working, it is starting to get hot outside, and I am starting to get pissed. This next part WAS on the Ring video, but I deleted it because I did not want it to see the light of day. So, at this point, I have gone between trying to get the top off and banging it on the ground. Each time I bang it, I am getting progressively harder, which might be why it is broken in the first place. Still, I am getting mad; the edges are only halfway done, and in the video, you see this look come across my face, and you can tell I am done! So I did the only logical thing and threw the weed eater across the yard and stormed inside. I started yelling, cussing and was mad at EVERYTHING. I was mad at Coleman for dying, mad at the grass for growing, mad that we have an early Spring because I don’t want to deal with this, mad at the weed eater for not working, mad at the guy on YouTube for not helping, mad that I might have to call a neighbor or my dad to help me and then back to being mad at Coleman because I shouldn’t have to do this on my own. So I walk around the house picking up things, putting away dishes, tidying up, and just going off. At one point, I start creating my own cuss words, and the whole time, the weed eater is chilling in the middle of the yard. So after about 20 minutes of me raging, you see in the video that I storm outside, DRAG the weed eater behind me, throw it into the garage, and go back inside.

I know. It was not one of my finest moments. I can look back on it now and laugh because I probably looked psychotic to anyone else. Still, I also think it shows how these different stages of grief truly do show up at any time of the day and usually without warning. I started this project feeling confident and independent, and I ended it by being mad at my husband for dying because I was stuck doing the yard work by myself. Yes, I know how that sounds, but also that is reality. The anger could be rational and warranted, but in my experience, often, I am angry because of what happened to me and the fact that I have no control over it, which pisses me off more. It is one thing if you’re alone and independent because you want to be; it is another thing to be alone and independent because you are forced to be. And sorry, y’all, but I don’t want to be alone and independent. It is literally the reason I got married – to have a partner! I am sure I just set feminism back 50 years, and Ruth Bader Ginsburg is rolling in her grave, but this life is NOT for me.

So, when I am in my anger stage of grief, it is usually prompted by the ongoing realization that if I don’t do something, it doesn’t get done. If I don’t take the trash out, then the trash doesn’t go out. If I don’t kill the spider in the house, it will stay there. The list goes on and on. I can do some of these things, but I don’t necessarily want to be stuck doing it on my own. Other things are entirely out of my wheelhouse, like my security alarm messing up, and I’m on the phone with the IT guy, and he is telling me which color wires should be touching , and I am praying to God I don’t electrocute myself. Or when I have to change the air filter and am terrified of the attic because of spiders and mice. I also have this irrational fear that a homeless guy is living up there.
And I know I will figure it out and rise to the occasion and girl boss and play “Independent” by Webbie & Boosie with my own house, car, and working two jobs, but also your girl is tired. I wanted the wrap-around porch, white picket fence, 2.5 kids (I have never understood the .5), and sitting in the rocking chair watching life go by. Instead, I have to deal with the probate court, funeral homes that don’t know how to do their job, and a yard where the grass is not cut in a diagonal line and the edges look like crap.

Love, Brittany

* Disclaimer – I wrote that right after the weed eater incident, but I promise I am better now. I felt better an hour after the yard work fiasco, but it was important to post this and show my reality then. Also, I have watched some TikTok videos, and I am confident about being able to do the diagonal lines next time. As far as the weed eater… the jury is still out.*